It's OK to Allow Room for Failure

Written by: Coach Alison Lake

As parents, we don't want to see our children struggle or fail in school. We do our best to protect them and provide all the support we can. It's a natural instinct to step in and help. Many of us sat up late helping with a last-minute term paper emergency because our child didn't start early enough or felt stuck. 

But this approach can prevent growth. There's a fine line between providing parental guidance, which children truly need while growing up, and overprotective parenting. It's important for children to work independently, learn from their mistakes, and experience any consequences. These are important skills they will use in school and later in life.

What does this mean academically?

Long-Term Projects

Let's take long-term, multi-step assignments--the research project, the term paper, the science fair. It can be daunting to start a complicated task and see it through to the end. Students often don't know where to start, or feel overwhelmed by the magnitude. It might be tempting to dive in and work on the project together. 

Put in some time at the beginning to map out a plan. Encourage your child to break the project down into steps well ahead of time and estimate how much time each portion will take. They could work on the project 20 minutes every day, for example. They should use a checklist and mark the steps in their daily planner, then review their progress on each step. That way, they are taking responsibility and ownership rather than depending on you to get it done.

Identify the Problem Source

Parents can help by asking questions to uncover the source of the problem. Ask where they feel stuck, if any portion of the assignment is confusing, and how much time they have been spending on it each day. Review their system of organization and how they are keeping track of assignments and items. Daily planner use and a binder divided into subjects and sub-tasks will help them easily see what they need to do that day and what's coming up.

Encourage Reflection

Let's say a student stayed up late working on a paper they left to the last minute. Or they forgot their homework binder one yet again and Mom or Dad didn't bail them out by driving to school to pick it up. Or they didn't listen in class when the teacher shared important details about an upcoming test, and did poorly on that portion of the test. 

That's a good time to gently encourage reflection and ask your child what they learned from the experience. How did being late and disorganized make them feel? How was their motivation level? Did other things take priority? How would success look in this circumstance, and what steps would they need to take to get there next time?

Answers to these questions will provide information about where they fell short and help guide your child to a better approach going forward.

Of course, your child doesn't need to struggle alone if there is a chronic problem, such as consistently bad grades or lack of motivation. That is a good time to consider supplemental options such as an executive coach, subject-area tutoring, after-school help, or additional resources. 

No one wants to see a child fail. But when they experience failure from time to time and learn from it, they will build a foundation of coping and project management skills that will help them succeed in the future. Children will become more resilient, and free to experiment and explore different ways of achieving their goals.