Helicopter Parenting
Everyone talks about helicopter parents, but what exactly does that mean? Parents & Teenagers, a book written by Dr. Hiam Ginott, interviewed teenagers about their parents and they described them as hovering over them just like helicopters. Dr. Ginott also describes helicopter parenting as any behavior where parents are overly involved in the child's life. This type of parenting usually involves teenagers but can show up at any age. Many times, parents may start calling their teachers, become overly involved in play time, or try to complete or do the majority of their homework.
Reading this, you may be thinking…”wow that is over the top.” However, helicopter parenting comes from a good place. There is no one size fits all with this type of parenting but usually the root cause is misplaced concern for their child.
We often see helicopter parenting with parents who are anxious. They may feel they don’t have control over their own lives and therefore try to control their child’s. The need for control usually lies within their past; potentially parents who felt neglected or unloved as a child overcompensate in this area. In addition, some parents want to protect their children from failure, bad grades or negative interactions with their peers. Therefore, they hover over their child so this doesn't happen. Lastly, just like children, parents can feel peer pressure as well. If they see other parents using this style of parenting, they may feel pressured to “keep up” with the other parents.
The Consequences
Being an engaged parent is always wonderful, however there is a big difference between an engaged parent and a helicopter parent. A helicopter parent may be shielding their child from failure and disappointment for the short term but the reality is we all need to fail at some point to succeed. A part of growing up is to learn lessons and change from them.
Doing too much for a child causes lack of self confidence. Although parents don’t intend to, doing too much for their children makes them believe they are not capable of it or their parents don’t trust them.
Another negative result of this parenting style is, when things inevitably do go wrong, usually children who have helicopter parents often don’t have the coping skills to handle it. If a parent always made sure that a child never had to face disappointment or clean up a mess, those children have been denied the opportunity to learn the coping skills that will get them through life.
The end result of helicopter parenting is never good. Lack of coping skills turns into two main things: Entitlement or Anxiety. Children who have never experienced failure sometimes develop feelings that everything will always go their way and in some ways feel that they deserve it. Many times this leads to them acting entitled or spoiled. Another attitude that manifests from this is anxiety. Children who have never faced disappointment or failure can lead to anxiety about letting people down. Regardless if entitlement or anxiety manifests, deep rooted issues can come from helicopter parenting.
Avoiding Helicopter Parenting
There is no simple answer to avoid being a helicopter parent. There are a few things that you can keep in mind when parenting. Awareness is a huge part of parenting, realizing what is overbearing and what is the appropriate amount of involvement is key. In addition, knowing what is age appropriate to allow them to begin to overcome challenges on their own. What is necessary and appropriate for a 4 year old is not the same for a teenager. Being aware of the differences between the ages is extremely important.