How to Encourage Teens to Make Better Choices
By Dr. Cam, Family Success Coach
The other day I had this thought...
Teens are wired to establish autonomy which is why they don't like us to tell them what to do, right?
They push back.
That's because when we tell them what to do, we claim "ownership" of that choice. It becomes untouchable to our teen. It's tainted with our parenting cooties.
Even if they agree with what you say 100%, their instinct to separate themselves from you is even stronger. They must if they're ever going to move out of your house!
They are left to choose something different, which is inevitably not the "right choice."
And we get annoyed, frustrated, angry, hurt...
So, what if we didn't claim the right choice? What if we left it available so our teen could own it? Would they choose it?
Instead of telling them what to do, ask them what they think they should do. Invite them to come up with a solution.
I can't guarantee they'll get it "right" every time, but I can guarantee it's far more likely. I've tried it with my own teenager, and she chooses well most of the time (of course, sometimes we disagree on what the right choice is.)
Truth is, our teens typically know the right choice, even want to make the right choice. They crave your approval and are crushed by your criticism.
I encourage you to try it. If they were going to push back anyway, what do you have to lose?
Here's my biggest takeaway…
Teens are wired to do their own thing. When we tell them the "right" thing to do, we claim it as our choice, not theirs. If you want your teen to make the "right" choice, give them the chance to claim it.
Cameron (Dr. Cam) Caswell, PhD, the “teen translator,” is an adolescent psychologist, family success coach, host of the Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam podcast and Parenting Teens Power Hour, and is the author of Power Phrases for Parents: Teen Edition. For over a decade, she has been helping parents build strong, positive relationships with their teens through improved communication, connection, and understanding using her PRIME Parenting Method. Dr. Cam is the mom of a teen too, so she not only talks the talk, she walks the walk!
Visit Dr. Cam’s website: www.askdrcam.com
Thank you for your insightful guest blog, Don't forget to check out Wendy Weinberger's, President and COO of Illuminos Academic Coaching & Tutoring, interview with Dr.Cam on the Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam podcast. The Facebook Live podcast can be found on Dr. Cam's Facebook page.
Importance of Executive Function Skills
Written By: Isabelle Saunders
There’s no debate that school is a world-class juggling act: you’ve got extracurriculars, homework, your social life, studying- it can be a lot to handle. The older you get, the more important it is to develop executive functioning skills. Executive functioning is, quite simply, the skill instrumental in academic success. It’s been boiled down by educators to seven attainable attributes:
Adaptable thinking: ie, flexibility. As challenging as it may be, you have to keep trooping when you encounter a problem. Adapt to problems- find a way around them and exercise your problem-solving muscles. It’s an asset to accept the fact that what you think won’t always be right, and you have to be open to new ideas and ways of accomplishing things.
Planning: Foresight is nothing short of necessity. Whether it’s mapping out a busy week or setting up your after-school routine, planning cuts your to-do list into bite-sized pieces that you can visualize and accomplish. Planning out a project before you do it gives you a template do that you go into it with rhyme and reason instead of blindly hacking away at it.
Self-Monitoring: Introspection and self-evaluation! Only you know what your personal best is, and only you can make sure you’re giving it. Self-monitoring is to grasp what you’re doing wrong and have the agency to pivot to another strategy. It’s to realize how you’re doing on the task at hand, and to know how to improve.
Self-Control: To keep a firm grip on your emotions and behavior is crucial in any social setting. You have to be okay with receiving constructive criticism, and to keep trekking when something undesirable happens. A good way to maintain self-control is not to take school feedback to heart: what a teacher thinks about your essay is not a reflection on what they think of your character. And besides, you are fully capable of taking that criticism in stride and improving.
Working Memory: Sherlock Holmes always referred to his memory as a mind palace. Think of all this acquired knowledge like that: you’re storing away information to bring out and out to use later. Some of us have better memories than others, and that’s okay. If you’re someone with a naturally poor memory and nothing seems to help, no matter how closely you pay attention, there are ways to work with that. A few possibilities are to take detailed notes, try using mnemonic devices for memory, and use flashcards for a deeper form of concept association.
Time Management: This one’s for the chronic procrastinators. Time is a force that should be filled wisely. To get anything done, you have to be time-aware enough to do it. Be it in the classroom or at home, time won’t stop for you to complete your work.
Organization: For some of us, organization comes naturally. For others, it’s a learning process. Keeping your binders, desk, locker, and other school supplies neat and organized is the key to enhanced concentration and lowered stress levels. Is that last week’s math homework, Tuesday’s notes, or the drawing you made during lunch? No one wants to navigate their way through a storm of mixed papers- the front pocket in your binder is best used for current work only.
An anagram to remember these concepts is:
Adaptable thinking
Introspection
Retain information
Planning
Organization
Self-control
Time management
Responsibility and self-advocacy are not traits that sprout overnight. Like every other skill, they have to develop and be put into practice. The attributes covered, of course, don’t just apply to school: they’re necessary for a well-rounded and capable person.
College Readiness and Academic Self-Advocacy
Written By: Laura Lorenzen, MSW and Andrea Malkin Brenner, PhD
Anticipating the transition from high school to college can feel overwhelming for parents and teens, and especially so for teens with executive functioning challenges. Simply possessing strong academic competence is not enough to thrive in college. Students need strong academic self-advocacy skills in order to successfully navigate this life-changing transition.
For parents, approaching the shift from high school to college as a gradual process of moving your child from dependence to independence -- and beginning this process well before the transition to college -- can make this change far less daunting..
Understanding the differences between high school parenting and college parenting
You may be communicating closely with your child’s high school, discussing everything from the accommodations your child needs to their grades and even their homework assignments. Colleges, however, are prohibited by law from providing parents with any information regarding student accommodations, grades, or academic progress.
While students who have a diagnosed disability such as ADHD, a learning disability, or autism, are able to obtain accommodations in college, parents are not part of this process. Your child is viewed as an autonomous adult by the college and will need to independently ask for help, seek campus resources, and request learning accommodations.
Parents whose children have executive functioning challenges often provide support in other ways. You may currently help your child stay on top of homework assignments, manage time, and plan out when and how long-term assignments will be completed -- or work closely with your child’s teacher to do so. In college, that type of support can be provided by academic support staff or through the campus tutoring center, but your child will need to seek it out.
Steps you can take now to prepare your child for the transition to college
It’s never too early (or too late) to start preparing your child for this transition. There are a number of essential skills your child will need and that you can help them learn.
Ensure your child understands and can talk about their learning needs and the accommodations they will require to succeed in college.
Openly include your child in discussions about their needs and ask for their perspective on what tools help them learn.
Ensure your child can identify and seek out sources of information and help. Many teens are not familiar or comfortable independently asking for help; this is a critical skill that takes time and practice to master. Help your child practice this skill now, so that they are comfortable self-advocating later.
Build your child’s capacity to independently problem-solve and make sound decisions. Ask how they would solve a problem that arises, and help them think through the pros and cons of their solution.
Before they enter the college setting, allow your child to try and fail, as long as no lasting harm would occur from that failure. This will give your child crucial practice and an opportunity to safely learn from their mistakes.
Though it might be tempting to jump in to iron out difficulties your child is having, they’ll learn more and be better prepared for the future if instead they are guided and supported to find answers and solve problems on their own. Helping your child take charge of their academics doesn’t mean they have to do it alone. With the right self-advocacy skills, your child will be able to request accommodations in college, find needed campus resources, and comfortably ask for help -- the critical skills they will need to thrive on their own.
For more information about this topic, join us for our upcoming webinar:
College Readiness: Your Neurodiverse Teen and Academic Self-Advocacy
Tuesday, April 13, 7:00-8:00.
Register Here: https://zoom.us/meeting/register/tJMqdeyvqjssGNEdv66j5gqqLZFlYCpCldon
Andrea Malkin Brenner, PhD, co-author of How to College: What to Know Before You Go (and When You’re There), is a college transitions educator and a former college professor and first-year administrator. Laura Lorenzen, MSW, founder of District Special Education Partners, provides parent coaching and IEP advocacy services. Her next parent class on “Supporting Your Disorganized Child” launches in late April.