How to Encourage Teens to Make Better Choices

By Dr. Cam, Family Success Coach 

The other day I had this thought...

​Teens are wired to establish autonomy which is why they don't like us to tell them what to do, right?

​They push back.

​That's because when we tell them what to do, we claim "ownership" of that choice. It becomes untouchable to our teen. It's tainted with our parenting cooties.

​Even if they agree with what you say 100%, their instinct to separate themselves from you is even stronger. They must if they're ever going to move out of your house!

​They are left to choose something different, which is inevitably not the "right choice."

​And we get annoyed, frustrated, angry, hurt...

​So, what if we didn't claim the right choice? What if we left it available so our teen could own it? Would they choose it?

​Instead of telling them what to do, ask them what they think they should do. Invite them to come up with a solution.

​I can't guarantee they'll get it "right" every time, but I can guarantee it's far more likely. I've tried it with my own teenager, and she chooses well most of the time (of course, sometimes we disagree on what the right choice is.)

​Truth is, our teens typically know the right choice, even want to make the right choice. They crave your approval and are crushed by your criticism.

​I encourage you to try it. If they were going to push back anyway, what do you have to lose?

​Here's my biggest takeaway…​​

​Teens are wired to do their own thing. When we tell them the "right" thing to do, we claim it as our choice, not theirs. If you want your teen to make the "right" choice, give them the chance to claim it.

Cameron (Dr. Cam) Caswell, PhD, the “teen translator,” is an adolescent psychologist, family success coach, host of the Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam podcast and Parenting Teens Power Hour, and is the author of Power Phrases for Parents: Teen Edition. For over a decade, she has been helping parents build strong, positive relationships with their teens through improved communication, connection, and understanding using her PRIME Parenting Method. Dr. Cam is the mom of a teen too, so she not only talks the talk, she walks the walk!

Visit Dr. Cam’s website: www.askdrcam.com

Thank you for your insightful guest blog, Don't forget to check out Wendy Weinberger's, President and COO of Illuminos Academic Coaching & Tutoring, interview with Dr.Cam on the Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam podcast. The Facebook Live podcast can be found on Dr. Cam's Facebook page.

How Social Media Impacts Youth

As a parent or educator in today’s society, it seems everyone is glued to their phones especially teenagers. With so many different social media platforms, teens use this is as a way to communicate. Ever wonder what effect this is having on our youth?

Indirect Communication

Teens are great at keeping themselves busy while doing homework or staying up way past their bedtime occupying themselves with social media. Before everyone had an Instagram account, teens kept themselves occupied in a very different way. They were communicating by talking over the phone or meeting up with their friends at the mall. It could seem that there was a lot of wasted time walking around a mall but teens were learning how to interact with people in real time. Teens today are missing out on reading body language and facial expressions that help develop social skills. Instead, they are fixated on a screen and relying on social media to make connections. 

How to Make Friends

Learning how to make a friend is a huge part of growing up. Friendship requires risk taking with both parties whether that is with making a new friend or maintaining a friendship. When meeting  friends face to face it is easier to let your guard down and allow yourself to be who you really are. While texting, it is easier to keep your guard up and protect yourself because there is not someone looking at you and letting you know by their body language that it is a safe place to share your feelings or that their words are affecting you. When there is a disagreement in a friendship, without talking it through in real time it allows the other person to formulate a response rather than telling the person how they really feel.

Cyberbullying 

Unfortunately, this is the world we live in today and cyberbullying occurs more frequently than we would like to admit. Teens texts things they would never say to someone constantly. We hope that we have taught our teens to disagree in a healthy manner while being in the presence of the other person. 

Peer acceptance is huge for teens and using social media to see the latest fashion trends, music etc puts an added pressure. Especially girls who are scrolling through their feeds waiting to see how many people like their posts. Who wouldn't want to make themselves look cooler if that resulted in more likes on Instagram? As a result, teens spend hours updating their online images to fit in and fight for attention. 

We as a society need to do better, as adults set and example for our youth and show how to have a genuine connection with someone in real time.

Healthy Social Media Practices

Social media platforms give adolescents the ability to share their lives and connect with others. While adolescents describe these platforms as a way for them to connect and maintain relationships with friends and family, social media also creates environments for bullying and negativity. It is important for students to develop the impression management skills necessary to manage their online reputations.

Here are a few tips to consider when managing your impression on social media platforms:

Privacy Settings

• Use them for social media, email and other accounts. 

• Be aware of exactly what parts of your profile and posts can be seen by the public. 

• Use step by step instructions to ensure the settings are on correctly. 

• Limit your profiles and make sure you are allowing only people you know to view your posts.

• Create complex passwords and keep them to yourself. Others do not need to know your password. This is private information. 

• Turn off location and check in sharing.

• Try not to access your accounts from other devices. You do not know who has access to the device.

Be Kind

• Cyber bullying is an issue for adolescents these days and it is never ok. It is important to always treat the opinions of others with respect. If you do not agree with someone else's post, keep scrolling. There is no need to get into an argument with others on social media.

• It is never ok to post hurtful or embarrassing messages on social media.

• It is great to highlight positive things that are happening in your life or congratulate others on their achievements.

Think about what you post before you post it –

• It is important to remember nothing ever goes away on the internet.  So, before you click ‘post’ think about whether this really represents who you are.

• Always think about what your family, friends, educators and future employers may think before posting. 

• Always take the time to think through your feelings and your thoughts before posting on specific topics.

• It is always important to remember that while something may seem harmless at the time, it could come back to haunt you later on. 

• Keep track of posts that you have been associated with, whether you have been tagged in it or commented on it.  Make sure that you maintain your reputation across all platforms.

No need to overshare–

• You do not need to post about every event you attend or every food you eat. Sometimes it is more fun to just enjoy being in the moment and holding onto those memories. 

• While it may feel good in the short term to share personal things on social media, for example, break up, family issues etc. it is usually better to share those with an adult or a professional. 

• Taking the time to protect  your social media accounts by using discretion with social media illustrates a certain sense of maturity. Practicing impression management through social media is a great first step.

For more information on how to best manage your impression on social media check out these links:

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2018/09/13/new-report-most-teens-say-social-media-makes-them-feel-better-not-worse-about-themselves/?noredirect=on&utm_term=.4f90bd02a041

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2018/03/23/parents-may-fret-but-teens-and-even-experts-say-social-media-use-has-its-benefits/451461002/

References:

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/dont-be-afraid-to-post-5-social-media-tips-for-college_b_59ef7077e4b00a4ce5a221da

https://www.kaptest.com/blog/press/2018/04/17/kaplan-test-prep-survey-finds-colleges-applicants-agree-social-media-fair-game-admissions-process/

Pew Research Center, November 2018, “Teens’ Social Media Habits and Experiences

Pew Research Center, May 2018, “Teens, Social Media & Technology 2018”

Tips for a Successful Interview

Over time, for one reason or another students are going to have to interview. Whether the student is interviewing for a job or college admissions interview skills are crucial to success. Being able to interview well is all about impression management. We teach our students to manage their impressions they leave on others. The real world is all about social connections and how you present yourself to others is extremely important. 

It is becoming increasingly key to have strong interview skills even as a high school student. Teaching these skills is sometimes difficult because most resources are geared towards adults. However, we have come up with an easy process to follow to help your student feel confident going into an interview. 

Managing the first impression

Did you know it takes just seven seconds for a first impression to form?

• Make sure you look your best, dress nicely in clean clothes without rips or stains. Make sure your clothes fit appropriately and are not wrinkled. This is a great initial way to show the interviewer that you are taking the interview seriously.

• It is better to be overdressed than underdressed.

• Make sure that you communicate appropriately before the interview via email or over the phone. Writing an effective email or speaking professionally over the phone is a crucial part of landing the interview in the first place. 

• Punctuality is a major concern for employers and late arrival will often lower your chances of landing the job. Always try to arrive five to fifteen minutes early to your interview. Even if you have to wait, it shows you take the potential position seriously. 

Maintaining a good impression

• Introduce yourself and shake hands with the interviewer. Smile, speak clearly, and make eye contact.

• Be prepared to answer questions about your skills, personality, and past experiences. It is important to be prepared to discuss why you are interested in the job and why you would be a good fit.  Employers want to hire employees who show a positive attitude and are truly interested in the work they will be doing. The same goes for college interviews. If you don’t seem interested in their school, they may not want to admit you, even if you have all the qualifications. Before the interview, ask a parent or friend to ask you mock questions so you are prepared for the interview. 

• Make sure you practice sitting up straight and having your hands placed in your lap. This will allow it to be natural on the day of. 

• Make sure to put your phone on silent and out of eye sight. Resist the temptation to check your phone at any time when you are in view of the interviewer. Employers are very concerned about losing productivity among employees who are constantly checking their phones.

• Employers want upbeat workers who don’t bring a negative attitude to the job. Showing your good attitude in the interview will help you land the position. The same rule applies for admissions interviews and volunteer or internship opportunities.  

• Reflect the three Cs during the interview: cool, calm, and confident.

Following up

• This is the time to really show your manners. After your interview, make sure to send a short email or make a quick phone call to thank your interviewer for taking the time to meet/talk with you and be sure to mention that you are excited about the opportunity to work at the company. Use correct grammar and punctuation to show your skill set. 

Impression management is a skill that will carry students throughout their lives and teaching it now will help them prepare for their future. Our academic coaches teach students about the importance of utilizing resources such as teachers, counselors, advisors, parents, peers, etc. to maximize their success. They will also work with students on preparing their resumes, as well as discussing and preparing for interviews, this may include interview role play and critiquing.  Give us a call for more information!